After all the multiple troubles that I had to face up to these few week, this final setback was the final blow... I can no longer smile and pretend that everything is alright, everything I believed in has turned their back on me, everything that I am proud of is on the verge of being burnt to the ground. One after another, they keep coming and coming.
Sorry I am just being very vague, but I can't find anyone that I can trust to talk to anymore. I end up keeping everything to myself and I know that it isn't good to bottle up everything and smile at everyone everyday pretending nothing is wrong.
I need help but theres no one close enough to talk to or ask. Heck even I don't tell my parents about my troubles heck not even my brother. Why? Cause he isn't even close to me anymore, I can confess that I honestly talk more to my friends than I do to my brother. He is just I guy I see at night when I come home. Thats all. I don't even know his handphone number, let alone even think about smsing him. Heck even he doesn't even let me teach him for his studies cause we are not close at all.
If u say talk to my parents then. But you must realize that my parents are the last person I want to tell to about any of my problems. I know some of my friends out there are very close to their parents just like their brother, but my only concern here is to uphold a "perfect" image to them like "oh my grades are good" like "im attending class" and "im not getting into any trouble". Let them even have the slightest knowledge that my grades are slipping and they will nag the hell out of me and threaten to cut my allowance or privileges like going out.
So who am I left with here, friends? Nah even I don't tell my closest friend about my problems, only some, theres nothing he can do about it anyway, all he can do is laugh or give advice. All he can do is only so much.
So even if my closet friend can't help me, what about the others? Most of them are more concerned about making jokes about me than to even contemplate that I might be in deep shit.
I mean seriously, secondary has been the same, even poly is the same. Just because I have different liking for unconventional music or have different tastes doesn't mean that im that much different. Heck u make a joke or two, fine, but everyday? Im getting sick of it, its not funny anymore its bloody irritating, the same joke over and over, its becoming insulting.
And I have been told by many people that some people don't like me because of the way I talk, because it sounds offensive. I know that the way I talk might seem offensive, I even tried to stop it but I can't, its second nature to me, its just the way I do it. For those who know me better u know that I don't mean what I say in a offensive way although to majority of the people it may seem so. Im sorry but I just can't do it, I tried but it doesn't work. That doesn't mean I have stopped trying but it means that please next time if you find me offensive try and understand as I don't mean it that way.
You may say "ahh heck ur troubles are peanuts compared to those African children who might die if they can't find food". But I think you know better than I do, they have their problems and I have my problems. Heck even billionaire have troubles. Its not about having food on the table or shelter to live in. Its a whole different set of problems. Its about maintaining your reputation, maintaining your studies and your future career your social behavior your relationship with people.
Im not stupid enough to go and cut myself go think about suicide when im "emo" as I love my parents and it would be selfish to do so. I owe them my life and my job is to take care of them when they are unable to do so for themselves. Its just that its so difficult to maintain all these things. The most important thing to me now is having a career and a job that I love. I can't imagine the thought of dragging myself to work on somewhere I hate for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy my work so that I won't waste my life away. You only get to live once and thats it. No second chance, no hey I regret I should have studied harder then I would get a better job.
Now not only do I have to worry about my dropping grades, the near failure of one of them, social problems, ego problems, reputation problems and to add to those money problems.
Heck I have a debt of easily over half a thousand. Why? Long story short, shit happens. So one after another, my problems just keep coming and coming and coming but nothing seems to be going away, or is draining my life in the process taking up alot of effort. I can't just pray them away, heck I tried praying, and im starting to lose faith. Im starting to get the feeling the big guy up there is cursing me with all this shit.
So now whats my next option? Talk to a Councillor? Get help from a helpline? If I don't even tell my closest friend my problems, what makes it seems like im going to tell some random stranger my problems? Heck if I don't even ask my parents for money or help what makes it seem like im going to seek help from some random guy.
So now who can I turn to? Well my current answer is my lovable toy and alcohol. Why? Cause its been with me since young, through thick n thin and when I have no one to hug n cry it will be there. Thats why I love my Pikachu so much, if ur curious to know. Why alcohol? Cause it makes me feel better. And last of all my little violin which seems to be another thing to take my mind off things.
Why did I post this all of a sudden? Cause after what happened today, I can no longer take it anymore and hide all this depression and smile. I just can't take it anymore. Heck I know out of the handful of people who even bother to read my blog, all of them won't bother read this whole thing anyway cause it looks like a wall of text.
My life is crashing harder than the american stock market did during the housing crisis. Just when I thought there things are bad enough they just get worse.
As Billy Joel Sang,
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
Thats all. Thanks. If you read the whole thing.
